What does Christmas mean to you? I probably sound like the grinch but it mean unrealistic expectations. Christmas puts a lens over it. Highlighting dysfunction. I hate this time of year, the constant questions:

what you doing for Christmas?

have you done all your shopping?

Much more to do?

Are you ready for the big day?

When you don’t respond with the answer people expect, you get the sympathetic head tilt. I find myself telling white lies to placate as can’t be bothered with next set of questions. See told you I’m the grinch.

Thing is I can’t ever remember a happy Christmas so I have nothing to reference back to. Think that’s why I’m not a fan because there’s an expectation of enjoyment.  My dad dying 2 weeks before Christmas is never a good reminder.

I remember going back to school after the holidays and the excitement of everyone asking what did Father Christmas bring. Having to lie because I didn’t really get anything note worthy compared to everyone else and didn’t want to get bullied. I always dreamed of getting a Barbie house, but it never came.

I moved away to the Lake District when I was 16 3/4 and spent Christmas with my boyfriend. Then his family, they were nice and Christmas changed again when my gorgeous stepsons came along. Their excitement rubbing off on me. They are still excited aged 26 and 23. Having Dean and Jake have made me so happy and over time with our Christmas traditions given me a happy reference point.

I am (if you read my blogs) generally a happy seize life person but even I, at times reflect, Christmas reminds you of the missing.  Especially not being to have children. I met my friend for lunch yesterday and her youngest is the same age as mine would’ve been if IVF had worked. She was off the scale with excitement, I had to take a breath not to burst into tears as it’s that constant reminder of loss of my milestones.

But I remind myself of what I have got and put that brave face on. I have 2 amazing boys in my life who remind me I don’t need DNA to be a parent. I have a nice life and at the end of the day it’s 24 hours and then onto another year.

Have a lovely Christmas whatever your plans. Xx

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