It’s been quite a while since I’ve had a panic attack whilst running. I have tried to retrain my brain that whilst I’m running is not the time to solve the problems of the world. Not today. I’m a busy lady and when I’m running I’m not distracting my brain, so it’s like a dam being busted and it all flows out.
I felt cross with myself that I’d let this happen. Being bombarded at every point with Mother’s Day. It just is another milestone I mourn and reminds me of my loss of motherhood. My stepsons are amazing and always make such an effort which make my heart swell with pride. They are my attempt at motherhood and I can’t thank them enough for letting me be their step mum.
The phrase “you only get one mum treat her well” gets banded around, but that makes me mourn because my mum isn’t really a proper mum. I can honestly say the only thing she has done for me is give birth to me. I mourn the loss of not having a mother figure and that relationship. She’s too stubborn to make things right despite my attempts so it’s just how it is.
All these thoughts going through my head at 100mph just made me lose control and I had to stop to catch my breath. The positive thing out of this, is after a bit of deep breathing and telling myself it’s ok to feel like this. It’s ok to feel angry upset over some people’s actions towards me, to feel sad angry about not having children of my own. Panic attacks are like a storm, they pass.
I finished my run and luckily Dave hadn’t left for work when I’d got home. A hug and a cry and I was feeling better about the world.