Life is hard at times, I find myself thinking have I made any progress. I’ve enjoyed writing my weekly updates on my training journey for the London marathon. Reading back at week 1 when I was struggling to run 3 miles to now having miles banked in my legs for actually running the marathon. I actually feel a little excited by the thought of pounding the streets of London. even more so that I am doing it with my lovely friend Louise.  Progress. 

It’s the same when dealing with depression and anxiety. When I think back to when I ran the London marathon in 2015, I was in a mess, I had been to the doctors and she said I think you have depression and anxiety. Trying to pretend to the outside world that I was super human when inside I felt like I was falling to pieces. Just writing that makes my eyes prick with tears reliving that despair I felt. When you are trying to weather the storm that having mental health problems brings, it’s hard to think it will ever get better, when will I feel normal?

Normal, whatever that is changes, it’s something you learn to live with, you try to learn coping strategies, giving yourself a break that it’s ok not to be ok. When I was seeing my CBT councillor he asked me to buy a notebook. This was to note down situations which caused me upset, stress or anxiety. What the situation was, how my body reacted and how long it lasted. I still have the book and it reminds me that things do improve. Storms don’t last forever. Reading through my scribbles and seeing how much it has improved after learning coping strategies from my councillor. Progress.

The Only area I’m not very good in making progress is the baby thing. I still feel sad angry that everyone’s life just carries on as if my failures haven’t happened. How dare life do that. Tens of friends have babies and I’ve listened, smiled as they moan about being pregnant, moaned about children. I hate how time the cliche hasn’t kicked in yet. I hate feeling like I’m living in limbo despite trying my upmost not to.  It’s hard coming to terms with the fact my body will never produce a body. This is work in progress. Maybe this is just how it is going to be?

This quote a friend sent me sums it up perfectly….

Depression is also… Smaller than you.Always, it is smaller than you, even when it feels vast. It operates within you, you do not operate within it. It may be a dark cloud passing across the sky, but – if that is the metaphor – you are the sky.

You were there before it. And the cloud can’t exist without the sky, but the sky can exist without the cloud.
When things feel bad it never lasts forever. Keep heading for the light.

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