Grief has a rather unexpected habit of creeping up on you without warning. That was what happened when I was casually scrolling through Twitter, saw a infertility tweet relating to a story on Corrie. I don’t watch it but it was doing a story about IVF and it failing. My eyes pricked with tears and there it was, that overwhelming sense of loss taking my breath away again.
It is something I deal with on a day to day basis, second nature like breathing. It is true, it does feels like you are giving up on a dream. Cursing my body for not doing what it is suppose to. I wish time the healer cliche would hurry up and make it better. As each year passes, I guess I have more acceptance but it still hurts. Typing this now I have to pause, collect myself as tears roll down my cheek. Life is so unfair, how dare everyone else’s life carry on. I can’t help thinking after spending time with friends children who would be the same age as mine if it had been successful. What would they be like? I know it is torturing myself but it is human nature to ruminate on what if.
It is easy for people to try and fix it by saying “you can always adopt” “you don’t know how lucky you are, not having them” the later is easy to say if you already have them. As my eldest stepson said ” I am so lucky having 2 mums and you are No2 mum not stepmum”. My 2 wonderful stepsons do help fill that gap and are testament to you don’t have to be blood to love unconditionally, that works both ways. Dean and Jake keep the parenting dream alive.
With counselling I have learnt that if I want to sit down and sob uncontrollably that is ok. Feeling despair doesn’t last forever, I know this now.