Living with anxiety is tough at times. There is never a specific trigger when I am feeling anxious or having a panic attack, just a bunch of little triggers that all add up. To what? To an anxiety attack. A big, huge, heart pounding, sweat inducing panic attack.
Starting our own business has been amazing but whilst “we are doing really well” there is stress and sometimes the mind just can’t take any more. A friend posted this picture which I think totally sums up success.
It is a gradual build up. Here’s what people who have never suffered from anxiety or depression don’t understand ― one minute you can be totally fine and the next, you aren’t.
You feel like you fail at life and that everyone else in the room thinks the same. None of your life’s accomplishments matter, you feel like a fraud and you feel like a failure. This was how I was feeling. It didn’t matter what my husband or friends said, I didn’t believe them. I felt constantly teary and just had enough of life.
Everytime I went running, I would have a panic attack. Day to day it is easy to distract yourself but when you are running, there are no distractions and all my suppressed feelings come flooding out in a crescendo.
I knew that this was not a way to continue, so I booked to go to see a doctor. How he could understand me through my tears is a miracle. He suggested medication, I had never gone down this route before. The thought of it made me more anxious. He said to take them for 2 weeks and return to see him. as well as going back to Firststeps for some additional help.
It took me 2 days of looking at the tablets and plucking up courage to take them, but once I did, I felt equilibrium coming back into my life. It was as if a weight had been lifted. When I went back to the doctor for my check up 2 weeks later he said “wow you look so much brighter”. I did feel brighter able to cope better. Firststeps got in touch and suggested doing an online CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). This has helped massively and refreshed my previous CBT learning.
May is always a tough month for me, if my IVF had been successful that would have been when my child would have been born too. 2 of my best friends both had children when I should have too. This year is the first year I have not felt jealous or as upset about them celebrating their birthdays. It always make me pause and reflect. Maybe the wound is healing or the tablets numbing it. Either way it is progress.
Running is easier too, it’s so lovely to run without having a panic attack. To run to enjoy it and get my mojo back is just wonderful.